Text's Play Hearts of Iron 4: Shackiversary Edition
Jul 24, 2017 20:23:36 GMT -6
Random, Jade, and 2 more like this
Post by ThatWeirdAnimeGuy on Jul 24, 2017 20:23:36 GMT -6
So I'm doing another one of these. This time by request as part of the Shackiversary! Points to Jade and Xenochrist for the idea. You truly are horrible people.
So a little intro: Hearts of Iron 4 is a World War 2 strategy game that allows you to take control of, more or less, any country in the mid 1930s as you try to fight in or at least survive the war. I took some liberties with the premise and made a few small adjustments to the formula. Let's see if you can notice the changes. Let's get started.
For the record, green are my troops, blue are allied troops, and red are enemy troops.
Part One: There's No Reason to be A-Freud
We're going to start a new single player game.
In 1936 because I enjoy foreplay.
We could pick one of these major countries that actually has a decent industrial and/or military presence but what would be the fun in that?
Let's pick that smallish white one right there in the middle, shall we?
Hey, look. We just so happened to pick Austria. Wow, I didn't know there were any female world leaders in 1936. This game is really progressive.
Also, the commander-in-chief is a dark-skinned elf. I'm sure that'll go over well with the neighbors.
Juuuuust in case.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issued a statement: It's fucking 9:00 in the morning. Leave me alone, motherfuckers.
Oh yeah, Italy is in the game.
General Sean T Dash is training the new troops. His no-nonsense drilling earns him the nickname "The Ragemonster."
Also, I made Jade's troop color green for reasons.
Wow, things are getting bad in Asia. At least it's safe here in Central Europe.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: Come on, guys. That's not cool. Can you go like 20 years without trying to conquer China?
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: Alright, if any of you fuckers even tries to claim Austria, I will personally-
-uh... personally command my good friend, Jade to defend our great nation.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: No, fuck you guys, come at me.
Commander-in-Chief Jade gives a rousing war speech: "Ok guys, here's the plan. All we have to do is kill like 8 of them for every one of our guys they kill. Everyone who kills at least 8 German soldiers before they die gets these black and white nudes of me from the best nude beach in Austria." Thunderous cries of bravery fill the air as the Austrian troops move to defend their border from the German fascists. Each soldier is ready to die before he gives an inch to the Nazis. He feels as if he could sprint to Berlin in a day if he tried.
Well, fuck...
[Strategy Meeting at the War Room in Vienna]
GM Haslinger: Jade you need to get these guys out of here. How am I supposed to masturbate with those artillery shells going off all day and night?
CiC Jade: Ok so does anyone have any suggestions?
Gen. Sean: Develop a fetish for the sound of explosions?
GM Haslinger: DONE! *runs out of the war room*
CiC Jade: I mean any ideas for not getting killed by the Germans.
Gen. Eugene: Why don't we make a push to weaken their forces by sending 1/3 of our army to the north and south, trapping their forces between Vienna and neutral borders? We can then surround their forces and eliminate entire groups of them at once.
CiC Jade: Sure, let's try that. I'm going to go capitalize on my own explosion fetish now.
1.3million to 130thousand losses? Exploiting the AI multiple times is very rewarding.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a request: Jade, please get these fuckers out of here. My explosion fetish has gotten out of control and my hands are in a constant state of pruniness.
GM Haslinger: Hey Jade, I bet they did Nazi that coming.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: I just want everyone to know that I'm really proud of all my soldiers AND BERLIN IS MINE! GERMANY CAN SUCK IT! I'm going to wipe my ass with Hitler's shitty art tonight!
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: Declare war on Austria in the next 20 minutes if you want an asskicking.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: *cocks shotgun with one hand* It's time to make the pope my bitch.
I'll try to finish this up before Shackiversary month is over. Let me know what you guys think.
Special thanks to Jade for the funky flag and some of the other pictures.
So a little intro: Hearts of Iron 4 is a World War 2 strategy game that allows you to take control of, more or less, any country in the mid 1930s as you try to fight in or at least survive the war. I took some liberties with the premise and made a few small adjustments to the formula. Let's see if you can notice the changes. Let's get started.
For the record, green are my troops, blue are allied troops, and red are enemy troops.
Part One: There's No Reason to be A-Freud
We're going to start a new single player game.
In 1936 because I enjoy foreplay.
We could pick one of these major countries that actually has a decent industrial and/or military presence but what would be the fun in that?
Let's pick that smallish white one right there in the middle, shall we?
Hey, look. We just so happened to pick Austria. Wow, I didn't know there were any female world leaders in 1936. This game is really progressive.
Also, the commander-in-chief is a dark-skinned elf. I'm sure that'll go over well with the neighbors.
Juuuuust in case.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issued a statement: It's fucking 9:00 in the morning. Leave me alone, motherfuckers.
Oh yeah, Italy is in the game.
General Sean T Dash is training the new troops. His no-nonsense drilling earns him the nickname "The Ragemonster."
Also, I made Jade's troop color green for reasons.
Wow, things are getting bad in Asia. At least it's safe here in Central Europe.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: Come on, guys. That's not cool. Can you go like 20 years without trying to conquer China?
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: Alright, if any of you fuckers even tries to claim Austria, I will personally-
-uh... personally command my good friend, Jade to defend our great nation.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: No, fuck you guys, come at me.
Commander-in-Chief Jade gives a rousing war speech: "Ok guys, here's the plan. All we have to do is kill like 8 of them for every one of our guys they kill. Everyone who kills at least 8 German soldiers before they die gets these black and white nudes of me from the best nude beach in Austria." Thunderous cries of bravery fill the air as the Austrian troops move to defend their border from the German fascists. Each soldier is ready to die before he gives an inch to the Nazis. He feels as if he could sprint to Berlin in a day if he tried.
Well, fuck...
[Strategy Meeting at the War Room in Vienna]
GM Haslinger: Jade you need to get these guys out of here. How am I supposed to masturbate with those artillery shells going off all day and night?
CiC Jade: Ok so does anyone have any suggestions?
Gen. Sean: Develop a fetish for the sound of explosions?
GM Haslinger: DONE! *runs out of the war room*
CiC Jade: I mean any ideas for not getting killed by the Germans.
Gen. Eugene: Why don't we make a push to weaken their forces by sending 1/3 of our army to the north and south, trapping their forces between Vienna and neutral borders? We can then surround their forces and eliminate entire groups of them at once.
CiC Jade: Sure, let's try that. I'm going to go capitalize on my own explosion fetish now.
1.3million to 130thousand losses? Exploiting the AI multiple times is very rewarding.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a request: Jade, please get these fuckers out of here. My explosion fetish has gotten out of control and my hands are in a constant state of pruniness.
GM Haslinger: Hey Jade, I bet they did Nazi that coming.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: I just want everyone to know that I'm really proud of all my soldiers AND BERLIN IS MINE! GERMANY CAN SUCK IT! I'm going to wipe my ass with Hitler's shitty art tonight!
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: Declare war on Austria in the next 20 minutes if you want an asskicking.
Grand-mistress Haslinger issues a statement: *cocks shotgun with one hand* It's time to make the pope my bitch.
I'll try to finish this up before Shackiversary month is over. Let me know what you guys think.
Special thanks to Jade for the funky flag and some of the other pictures.